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Interpersonal Communication C-1

Too much talk spoils everything.

How well we communicate is key to our effectiveness in life. Some people use the excuse, "I'm not a public speaker," to avoid assessing and improving their communication skills. In this chapter, participants will learn how to speak up for themselves more effectively, whether speaking to one person or one hundred.

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

After finishing this module you should be able to:

1. Describe the difference between task and relationship-oriented communication.
2. Assess your present communication style.
3. Describe the difference between "I" and "You" statements, and their impact on others.
4. Plan specific actions to become a more effective speaker.

TASK OR RELATIONSHIP ORIENTED COMMUNICATION

The way we express ourselves can either turn people on or turn them off. It can either gain their support or lose it. Sometimes, we turn people off, unintentionally. It is through communication that differing needs and opinions are expressed and worked out. It is through communication that information is shared, consensus developed and superior group decisions made. Also, it is primarily through communication that people are motivated. How then can each of us become more effective in motivating others through our communications?

Much of our communication is task oriented, that is, we communicate with a purpose, to work things out, to make a decision, to accomplish a desired goal. We become more persuasive by being logical, well organized and prepared with good information. Effective communication, however, goes beyond winning and getting your way. Most of our accomplishments, and pleasures, in life come out of on-going relationships. Effective communication builds and strengthens those relationships.

Some people are very task oriented, down to business. They quickly become impatient. They often have strong opinions as to what is "right." They use their power to pressure people, and are willing to sacrifice relationships to get a decision made and the job done. They do more telling than listening.

Other people are very relationship oriented--"We're all a big happy family." They are afraid to speak up for fear of hurting feelings, and as a result shy away from substance.

Good communication must be both relationship and task oriented. The objective of effective interpersonal communication is to share openly and meaningfully with one another in a caring, respectful manner.

ON BEING ASSERTIVE

Many of us could become more effective in speaking up for ourselves by being more assertive. Unfortunately, many people misunderstand what being assertive means. They incorrectly assume that being assertive means being aggressive. The distinction is important. The study of assertiveness identifies four styles of behavior in communicating with others.[1] Most of us use all four of these styles, to varying degrees, in our daily interactions.

Passive or submissive behavior, involves allowing others to take advantage of you--by failing to speak up for yourself. When non-assertive persons do express their thoughts and feelings, they often do so in an indirect, apologetic, timid, self-depreciating manner that others can easily disregard. "It won't do any good, anyway" is a common excuse used by non-assertive people for not speaking up. Such people often have a strong need to please others, and disguise their true feelings for fear of offending. Rather than being open and honest with one another, they are guarded in their comments. The choice of a passive role can be appropriate when the issue is not of great concern to us, or when we trust the superior knowledge and skills of others. The passive role becomes negative when we choose it habitually.

Aggressive behavior, at the opposite extreme, is based on accusing, directing, overpowering other people, intimidating them, putting them down, making them feel guilty--in order to get your way. The aggressive person forces his feelings, needs and ideas on others. Aggressive people are often blunt, have a need to control, are often insensitive to the needs and feelings of others, are poor listeners, and exhibit a selfish single-mindedness that often results in domination. Aggressive behavior often triggers a guarded, defensive response from others, and a breakdown in communication results. Aggressive behavior can be a sign of an insecure person. Such people overcompensate for their insecurities through domineering behaviors.

People who typically behave in submissive ways often accumulate enormous amounts of frustration that finally erupt in an aggressive outburst, followed by feelings of guilt and a return to a submissive behavior pattern. This is called passive-aggressive behavior. In both passive and aggressive behaviors, people typically disguise what they really want to say by downplaying or exaggerating. This gives others a confusing message.

Martyr behavior uses pessimism and guilt to manipulate others. Martyrs are often closed to new ideas, are prone to use the past to predict the future in negative ways, and like to blame others. They get their way by making others feel sorry for them. We may appropriately choose to be a martyr by knowingly risking our reputation and public image to support a controversial cause or person we strongly believe in.

Assertive behavior provides an alternative to the extremes of the previous three behaviors. Being assertive involves expressing your needs concerns, ideas and feelings openly in a straightforward, but caring, respectful manner without dominating, judging, directing, or depreciating the other person. The objective of assertive behavior is improved communication--the sharing of information in getting yours and the other person's feelings, needs, concerns out in the open where they can be dealt with constructively. Being assertive involves confronting in a straightforward, but caring manner that maintains the other person's self-esteem and strengthens your relationship. The goal of assertive behavior is to get and give respect, to jointly resolve differences, and to allow for compromise when conflicts arise.

Not only does being assertive lead to more pleasant interpersonal relations, it also is generally more effective in getting what you want. Why? Because most people become cooperative when they are approached in an open, straightforward, respectful, non-manipulative manner.

These four models of behavior are presented to help you assess your communication style and its impact on others. You will from time to time use all four. This is to be expected. Most important, you have a choice as to which style you use. As you face different situations, ask yourself, "What kind of response am I getting? Would greater use of the assertive style make me more effective?" Specific techniques in how to become more assertive follow.

Before reading further, complete the following Assertiveness Quiz.

INSTRUCTIONS: Review the listed responses to the underlined situations: (1) Put an "X" by those responses you frequently use. (2) In the right hand margin categorize each response as either passive, aggressive, martyr or assertive.

A. When I am disappointed or upset with someone, I usually:

1. don't say anything, because I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings.
2. drop hints, hoping she will get the message.
3. put it off, because I'm unsure of what I should say.
4. confront him with "exactly how I feel."
5. express my feelings sarcastically--getting my point across indirectly through humor.
6. whine and complain to others.
7. lecture her with "shoulds" and "oughts."
8. avoid saying anything, because I know it won't do any good. It will only lead to more conflict.
9. speak to the person privately, and express my concerns in a direct, but caring manner.

B. When someone asks me to do a favor and I don't want to do it, I usually:

1. do it anyway.
2. resent the request and act imposed upon.
3. make up excuses as to why I can't do it.
4. do it grudgingly, and complain to others.
5. apologize profusely, and tell her I'm not able to do it.
6. say "no," but allow myself to get talked into it.
7. in a respectful manner, firmly say "I'd rather not."

I- MESSAGES

How effective do you feel you are in expressing yourself? How do people usually respond to what you say? Do they become defensive and argumentative? Do they tend to disregard or treat lightly what you say? Or do they pay attention and respond cooperatively?

A simple technique follows in helping you become more effective in speaking up for yourself. The technique is particularly effective when you have a problem or concern to bring up, when you are disturbed by someone else's behavior, when you wish to express a differing point of view, or otherwise find yourself in a potential conflict situation.

I-MESSAGES: How to express yourself in a manner so that others will listen to you and take heed. I-messages involve expressing your need, concern, opinion or feelings precisely through statements that begin with the word "I" as opposed to sentences that begin with impersonal pronouns such as "you" "they" "we" "it." It involves saying "I feel..." rather than "It would be best if..." "I don't understand" vs. "It's not clear....." "I would like....." vs "You should...." "I'm upset about...." vs "You upset me." "I suggest..." vs "You haven't considered...." "I would prefer we not vote on this until we first explore other alternatives" vs. "You are trying to ram this through." "I need your help in distributing the announcements" vs "You're not doing your share." "I would prefer you not smoke" rather than say nothing.

I-messages inform the other person of your frustration, your disappointment, without accusing him or her of causing it. I- messages inform the other person of your needs, your thoughts, your opinions, without judging, or directing, or pressuring the other person to think the same way. I-messages clearly indicate to the other person how his or her behavior is interfering with your efforts to meet your own needs and then leaves responsibility for any change in that person's behavior with the other person, where it belongs.

When you have a concern, frustration or problem, clearly describe in your I-message (a) the specific behavior troubling you and (b) the impact that behavior is having on you and/or others. Don't convey judgment or blame. For example, "I am concerned that as chairman you are doing much of the talking; as a result, members don't get as involved in the decision" versus "You're dominating; let others have an opportunity to speak, too." "I get annoyed when you arrive late" vs. "If you cared, you'd be on time."

You will be amazed how direct and frank you can be, and still not make the other person defensive, when you start your sentences with "I." Try it. "I am concerned about...." "I would like to...." "I'm frustrated over...." "I would like us to consider...." "I was embarrassed by...." "I got angry when...." "I'm worried about...."

ROAD BLOCKS TO COMMUNICATION: Why people become defensive and resist what YOU have to say. Unfortunately, instead of sending an I-message when we have a problem, are annoyed, have a different opinion, or wish to make a suggestion, we usually send a solution message as to what the other person should do. This involves directing, warning, threatening, moralizing, advising and giving suggestions. People generally resist being told what to do.

Or we send a put-down message such as "That was a mistake." "You shouldn't have done that." "Don't argue with your mother." "We all know that won't work." "That's a poor idea." Such statements communicate blame, judgment, ridicule, criticism, shame. Such put-down messages usually cause resistance, guilt feelings, excuse making, an urge to fight back and get even, and/or a feeling of rejection.

Or we send a you-message: "You made me mad." "You haven't considered...." "You aren't being cooperative." "You should have...." "You ought to...." You-statements tend to provoke counter you-statements and cause the discussion to degenerate into verbal battle.

In short, we tend to "parent" others, and the minute we do, we block communications. Our ego often gets in the way and we become more concerned with straightening the person out than in communicating and improving the relationship. Catch yourself. Express your problem, opinion, frustration through I-messages. Take full responsibility for what you say. Then allow the other person to take responsibility for his/her own statements, actions and reactions.

The I-MESSAGE is not a panacea to improved communication. It is not appropriate in all situations. It can, however, be a very effective tool in improving communication between yourself and your family as well as in business and community relationships.

An admonition: I-Statements can have a negative impact if they are used in an aggressive, self-righteous manner to impose and threaten, ("I demand that...." "I was insulted by...."). The tone of voice alone can turn an assertive, respectful statement into a threatening, aggressive one. For an I-Message to be effective, it must clearly state your need, wish or opinion without judging, directing or pressuring the other person.

EXERCISE 1: Review your responses to the "Assertiveness Quiz" (above) and compare with the following answers. Several of the responses could be categorized differently depending on how they were said.

Passive: A-l, A-2, A-3, A-8, B-1, B-3, B-5, B-6

Aggressive: A-4, A-5, A-7, B-2

Martyr: A-5, A-6, B-3

Assertive: A-9, B-7

EXERCISE 2: Complete the "I-Messages Worksheet" (below). Share and discuss your responses with others in your study group.

EXERCISE 3: On a separate sheet of paper, write (a) passive, (b) aggressive, (c) martyr and (d) assertive responses to each of the following situations.

1. Refuse an extra helping of food at a dinner party.

2. Get a group back on the subject after they have wandered off on a tangent.

3. Control an excessive talker who is dominating the discussion.

4. You have been interrupted, and wish to complete your thought.

5. A second conversation has started up in the back of the room and is distracting from the meeting.

If you are in a study group, review each of the five situations, and have different individuals role play their assertive response, how they would "speak up for themselves" in handling the situation. Have the person speak directly to the group or to a designated individual who is to role play the problem person as described in the situation. For example, in situation #1, "June would role play the dinner host (cook) as she offers an extra helping of food; Bob you refuse it, in an assertive caring manner." Instruct the role players to speak directly to one another--"don't explain how you would do it, do it." Ask the group to critique the response. Change role players, and role play another response to the same situation. There is no single right answer.

After 5-10 minutes, move on to another of the listed situations. Be supportive of the role players. Undertake as many of the listed situations as time permits.

I-MESSAGES: WORKSHEET

Several potential conflict situations are described below. Indicate how you might handle each situation, first using a "YOU" message, and then using an "I" message. Which is likely to get the best results? Beware of the disguised "you" statements, ("I feel you are dominating the meeting").

REFERENCES

[l] Donna Sweeny, "Express Yourself." Extension Bulletin E-1915, Michigan State University, Cooperative Extension Service, 1985.

[2] Jesse Nirneberg, Breaking Through to Each Other: Creative Persuasion on the Job and in the Home, Harper & Row, 1976.

[3] "Speechcrafter's Handbook" Toastmaster International, Page 31.

[4] For a list of Toastmaster Clubs in your area, contact Toastmasters International, P.O. Box 10400, Santa Ana, California 92711.